Earlier today I podcasted for fake for a bit. Let’s call it Noncasting. I plugged in my nice mic, put on my headphones, started up Audacity, and hit Record.

Then I said nothing that will ever be published. With terrific audio quality. It sounded great, looping back into my ears, in enhanced stereo, with just a tiny bit of delay.

Man, it helped A TON. I got a lot of things off my chest. I ended up taking notes while doing it. Built up a huge list. Speak a while, type a while. A “here’s what’s up, and here’s what I’ll do about it” loop of sorts.

So far I’ve tried:

• Podcasting for fake
• Fake blogging (even on paper, like drawing columns and a sidebar and stuff—this is what started my journey to 100 lbs. of weight loss)
• Vlogging for fake

And here’s one I haven’t tried: OBS-style screencasts. Tutorial-making for fakes. Apparently this one can be pretty helpful to get into the flow of work.

And to clarify: We’re recording for real, but not necessarily publishing it anywhere.

I have a mouth but like, don’t scream often enough

I think basically the longer I go without making a noise out of my mouth or typing words through my fingers, the worse. And we’re talking minutes, not hours.

And since this is an INTJ blog I KNOW YOU KNOW how long that perceptive silent period can go.

Te is a pretty good model for this, all things considered, with some issues here and there. For one, there’s a lot of Fi involved, and hopefully Fe and Ti too. But I’ll tag it here in case it helps.

And also, there’s a bit of that “well OF COURSE extraversion is the solution to introvert problems” mindset, but there’s also more to it than such a shallow model can convey. Sometimes it takes just the right tool, which matches a mindset, which matches a mood, which matches specific circumstances…

Filed in: Therapeutic Practice /144/ | Te /36/ | Productivity /119/ | Control /110/

Do you ever watch REALLY bad/dumb movies for fun? I’ve only been able to do this very recently, but it seems to help.

Access is super easy at zero cost. In addition to Youtube’s amusingly high-quality VHS rips from well-known distributors, there’s a lot of this stuff at the Internet Archive as well: Example One and Example Two.

(AKA: Bad movies: Does anybody even GAF about copyright? You don’t even have to watch these in parts that you painstakingly searched for and added to a playlist!)

And that’s not even getting into the various streaming channels. Some of them are really worth checking out for that bad-movies aspect alone.

As a kid, then later as a teenager, and still later as a dumbass 20-something and professionally-foolish 30-something, I wasn’t really into non-serious movies. I thought: The more-seriouser, probably the better.

I was a much more serious person back then. I kind of regret it. And now that I’m a freshly-minted dumbass 40-something, I think it’s good to have regrets.

(Check out my list of INTJs on the front page of the blog, too. As a group, you see, we’re basically known to be dead serious about stuff at some fundamental level, and also at some fundamental level, that tends to break)

So these days I’m out here in the streets trying to be less serious. This seems to be reflected in the movies and TV I’m willing to watch. Here’s what I like:

• I like that no part of me is acting like the production needs to be on my level. I’m not struggling with the question of whether I’m above any of it (yes/no it doesn’t really matter), and that’s relaxing in its own way.
• I like taking apart the plot. Taking notes is kinda fun. And sometimes I like reassembling it to make it better. But mostly, I like the funny questions it brings up.
• I like the waves of silliness that lap onto the shores of my over-serious perceptions. This feeling of “lighten up a bit” is much more treasured now than ever before.
• I like the feeling of “maybe I could take something this seriously and do an OK job of writing it.” It’s fun to think about.

There are still some exceptions; I’m not able to take the silliness to 100%. For example, a production that’s just pointless chaos without any structure—I’m still not so comfortable with that. I like to feel at least a little bit of seriousness from the production team. Low budget? Fine. Low quality script? Also fine. But when there’s literally nobody taking any aspect of the entire thing seriously? Personally, that’s where I fear to tread.

Maybe that will change—we’ll see.

Filed in: Randomness /26/ | Therapeutic Practice /144/ | Energy /120/

Intermittent fasting was pretty cool for a while. Now it’s just another tool in the box. We can look it in the eyes and say, “look buddy, here’s what you absolutely suck at, and that’s ok. We need to be honest at this point.”

Lately the problem is that I’m realizing just how much my mood is assisted by food. Especially in the morning. I often need a good pickup in the morning.

And especially with that sweet food, man.

I noticed this little trick: A donut is AT LEAST as good as one ibuprofen tablet under specific circumstances. Overworked? This’ll help.

This brings to mind my favorite dirty cut times a few years back, when I’d buy a box of candy bars and eat the entire box in three days, and complain that even my hats were getting too big now, or whatever (the hat size change is truly an under-shared facet of extreme weight loss).

The candy bar diet thing was:

• VERY GOOD FOR THE TROOPS’ MORALE.
• Inexpensive, because somehow I found boxes of candy bars on clearance every time I went shopping.
• Good for the purpose of controlling calories, because hell yeah I’ll skip everything else on the menu today so I can eat SIX of my favorite candy bars. Hell yes.
• Easy food math. The math is basically done for you on the wrapper.
• As flexible as you wanted it to be. I was still eating healthy foods, but that was “sometimes” or even “most times,” instead of “every meal is measured for macros like a medication.”

I believe some part of this needs to be folded into my future cuts. It’s free good-mood real estate. And mornings…eh. I just think I can use more food-energy in the morning.

Dirty Cut Bonus Content

Plus, here’s the thing: Dirty cuts might be “dirty,” but you’re still losing weight. If weight loss is the purpose, then we can’t say that a dirty cut is really so bad. Sometimes a clean cut with its food-program-maintenance aspect can quickly frustrate one into getting off track and gaining weight. Just IMO. We can say, “but but but here’s what will happen if you eat dirty” all we want, but in fact the various factors have to be weighed. A perfect program can be perfectly inappropriate.

Filed in: Energy /120/ | Sensation /40/ | Fitness /31/ | Dieting /18/

When I start to feel exhausted or worn out, one of the messages that frequently comes to my consciousness goes like this:

• You make all these changes and say you’re improving your life, but nothing is really changing.
• Otherwise you wouldn’t feel as grumpy as hell right now. See? This doesn’t feel good at all.
• So none of these improvements you say you’ve made are worth a thing.
• Might as well give up on these changes.

Having written that out: I cringe to think of the drastic decisions I could make while feeling this way, knowing that I’ll periodically have to review this kind of message for the rest of my life.

Materially, the premise is incorrect, but easy to trust in a deceptive way. It ignores various really important details (my own life has improved greatly, and I have the logs to back it up, but I do have to remember to give that fact some weight—not always easy when the illogical NOW feeling is in control), and in doing so it re-seats the simplistic, naive look at life improvement: “Just” do whatever you feel like right now, and that’s the good life right there. All you have is the present, and the best way to plan for the future is in simplistic, fearful terms.

Really though, it’s pushing for huge, uncontrolled, chaotic, explosive change now. It wants to be able to say:

• We REALLY changed just now! Hahaha!
• That’ll show ‘em!
• We made people notice, didn’t we?
• In the end, the only truth I have is me, and the purpose might as well be my whim and pleasure.

I used to live that life a lot more than I do now. And being aware and planted in the present is indeed important. But this tired-me version of that philosophy is not a good one on which to base a life. As it turns out, when given the helm, it robs both the past and the future in sneaky and regretful ways.

(One of the other lessons here is: Big-picture change can feel very hard to perceive and difficult to grasp, even though it’s materially effective and measurable)

I made some real big & dumb decisions in the past, and many of them were indeed decisions I made while feeling pretty awful about life. While that isn’t “normal me”, I persisted in stubbornly thinking it was still “me” at the controls. So I trusted “myself,” which was in fact a completely different person in the sense that it was a messaging system with vastly different perceptions and judgments than the “me” that I have learned to leave in charge when possible.

Really, I wonder if one of the first-best improvements one can make as a self-aware person is differentiating these various mood-personas with their mood-messages. From there it’s possible to find a way to at least compare them and make a judgment at a healthier distance, so that the collection of perceptions can lead to smarter and more effective outcomes.

Filed in: Energy /120/ | Control /110/ | Goals /52/

I have this theory (pet theory?) that INTJs can benefit from working a lot like cats. Sleep, rest, sleep, then BOOM the cat crazies hit: Move fast and break things.

Well, maybe that last part is a bit hyperbolic, and I’m less convinced about the fast moving & fast-breaking idea than I used to be. But personally I could tell there was more energy to capture, more of a flow to find, in my own sleep-activity cycle.

For this reason I’ve been experimenting with forced naps lately. Even after 8-10 hours sleep, I’m realizing that naps are still needed on some days, due to various effects, such as: Poor quality of sleep on some nights, heavier-than-normal workloads during the day, new and exhausting sets of problems to solve, etc.

What about just getting better night-time sleep?

Part of the problem is that sleep isn’t really a conscious-control process; in fact in a lot of ways it’s the opposite. It’s not like driving a car down the road and staying in a lane; in some ways it’s more like falling off a cliff and trying to make things as comfortable as possible. There are a lot of different things that can interrupt sleep or make it worse. For example:

• Environmental temperature changes
• Environmental noise or sounds
• Body disposition (soreness, gas, illness)
• Sensory characteristics of bedding or bed or clothing
• Mindset upon reflection of previous events
• Mindset in anticipation of the next day
• Messaging / emotions from dreams

I have a pretty good evening system for helping me deal with these problems in advance of my sleep, but it doesn’t always work well. I think a lot of that is due to the fact that it’s the evening, and in the evenings it’s even tougher to be a robot: I don’t want to be journaling or preparing or doing some directed activity. I want to be lazing around. So, I’ll swim with the tide, as one of my readers put it, and try to shift some of the burden back into the daytime.

Naps come with their own set of problems. One of the big ones for me is: Will I even be able to fall asleep? Sometimes my mind is racing a bit, or conditions aren’t right, or I think, “I could JUST dive into my work right now and solve all these problems, and then I won’t need to worry later…” and this is all pretty distracting.

Time for your napping pill, comrade

So recently I started experimenting with forced naps. On my first try, I took a melatonin tablet and waited about 25 minutes for it to kick in. Then I slept for 2 HOURS. Holy smokes. After I woke up I felt “better” but not really good. The drowsiness effect was way too powerful, plus I woke up in the middle of a sleep cycle, and then the drowsiness / weird head feelings took hours to wear off.

The next time I tried this (actually a week passed, because I forgot about this new idea!), I reduced the dose. I took half a melatonin tablet to force a nap. That was a definite improvement. I slept like a log for an hour or so, and woke up with way more problem-solving ability.

In fact, despite my negative emotional disposition toward a specific problem on that day, I found myself immediately diving in to work on it. That’s usually a good sign (even though the emotions are still important and need to be addressed). There was some lingering drowsiness, and it wasn’t easy to kick (I’d say it took about 4 hours to totally kick!) so for now I plan to compensate by taking naps earlier in the day when possible. I’ll also experiment with changes in sleep supplements.

But in general: I will be doing this again, no question. I’d like to aim for about 90 minutes per nap, so I’ll keep experimenting and see if I can get tighter control over the nap length.

And in case you’re interested, my favorite nap track so far is this one.

Slipping into Something Comfortable

Another thing I’m finding about relaxing so I can take a nap is that “things I already know about” are really good tools for getting comfortable mentally. Books I’ve already read, podcast episodes I’ve already listened to. I still enjoy them, but there’s less pressure to learn something. It’s a calming effect. Also, in my mind’s eye I like to explore favorite places from my past.

Well, results are promising so far. I’ll keep pushing along.

Filed in: Productivity /119/ | Sleep /10/ | Therapeutic Practice /144/

This is a program.

Original at Wikimedia

Whenever I become interested in programming as in “writing a computer program,” I discover that this other kind of program, above, is more like what my metaphorical message-system, my interest-creator, is wanting from me.

A “program”. It doesn’t want me to become a computer programmer…it doesn’t seem to care so much about that. (It also seems to have no concept of a “career” to speak of)

No, it wants something fundamental, simple, and nutritious, even if temporary. It wants a program. A program, as in, “what’s going to happen in the next little while.” A list of events I can get with. To align myself to something that will run. Will go. Get with the program. Run the program. Execute.

So, for how long did I mistake metaphorical urgings arising from “I don’t have a direction, like a simple plan for my day,” for “wow it’d be fun to write some actual computer code”?

Years and years, it seems. Sigh.

And you see, Saturday mornings need programs more than other mornings. Does it make sense? That’s how it works. Because Saturdays are those days where we risk not having a program, us program-types. The idea is to just chill on a Saturday. (Which incidentally, this unprogrammed Saturday is a good way to cause ruinous outcomes for an INTJ.)

Saturdays, always so unstructured, but not for lack of trying by the vague (and accordingly kind of unhelpful) messaging-system. I wake up on a Saturday feeling like I could learn ten new programming languages!! Wow. But now that I’ve learned about this, I stop myself—OK, this just means I REALLY need to develop a program that’s more like a list of things I’ll do today, and a schedule, the “when”. (And not even the boring kind, but also fun stuff. Just to have a direction.)

Maybe in the future I’ll stop the computer coding. I doubt it. For now, when I get the urge to write some code, I might write actual computer code, yes. But I also make sure to write a program, for me. A simple schedule, list, a plan for the day, whatever. Something that allows me to execute.

Accordingly…and weirdly…this usually makes the temporary interest in / obsession with computer programming go away. Sometimes within seconds.

You might think, “oh that sucks. I’d hate to lose an interest like computer programming.” But really, what’s happening is something different from a feeling of loss. It’s more like a feeling of “oh, I became that thing in which I was interested.” It’s that feeling that one has integrated something, becoming something more than one was in the recent past. That’s the best way I can describe it. Almost the opposite of loss.

There’s this idea, or theory, that you and I are “invited” by some universal configuration system to generally stick to a specific type of railroad track. We have gifts and those gifts are continually looking for the fit of a specific kind of track. When we depart from the track, it’s rough going. And we’re drawn back to the track by that fit. Out of this, the universe derives some kind of benefit, maybe. For example, maybe there are fewer creative beings who are just wrecked.

Personality type theory has a lot of overlap with this idea of the template-track. However, the subjective / qualitative question of “WHICH F&*()& TRACK, JUST TELL ME AND I’LL GO THERE, SOUNDS GREAT” is not quite yet one we can easily answer. (Amusingly, people who talk like that also don’t like being told what to do. But that’s not the only reason. The “track” is also more like a broad set of millions of conditions which overlap with other conditions, which either make things hazy and annoying to figure out, or worse. Still, some success here, in little moves, even—is far better than none at all.)

Looking outside of programming, to other, similar urgings and messages of the metaphorical variety, this “aha, I’ll just do the thing metaphorically” approach is harder. With some aspects of the radio hobby messaging-sytem, for example, I’m still finding my legs. (That one has a lot to do with big-picture messaging and it’s tricky. There’s a question of scale; how big-picture? Both in scope of perception, and in temporality—A day? A month? A lifetime? Then there’s the question of how best to tune in.)

Looking even broader, at my now more specific list of interests, I’m even more frequently confronted by this question. Do I do the thing, or do the thing behind the thing? It’s frustrating to do a thing and realize, “I don’t even know how I would start doing the thing behind the thing right now,” because it’s a weak area, and it’s more comfortable to just avoid the question, or something like that. Well, over time I try to make some progress at it when I can. Being a bit more forgiving of myself helps. Plus in practice, things aren’t really so bad. This new depth discovered is much more of an improvement, overall, than it is some tragic, dawning awareness of millions of unmet needs. (It’s finding the concept of a nervous system—maybe you poke at it and that hurts, and you realize you have a system of pain. But a nervous system is also a great thing to have.)

But with programming—for me—it’s been relatively easy to switch between those conceptualizations. Computer programming itself is still generally interesting, afterward, which is kind of a relief. I think that’s also due to other factors, nostalgia being one.

(I also think the metaphor goes much deeper. For example, there are reasons why I’m not feeling the urge to draw up theatre programs…)

(Parenthetical #2: Now, in this light, isn’t it funny—the number of “my-first-apps” that are to-do lists?)

Filed in: Control /110/ | Therapeutic Practice /144/

OK, I’m glad this sub exists.

There, I said it.

But it also freaks me out just a bit, because it is straight up dangerous and chaotic in some hopefully-obvious ways. It puts the cart way before the horse.

And by “it,” I refer to the general mood there. “Hey man, I’ve done my homework on getting rest and sh*t. I just need Stack Advice.” Some of the commenters give really good advice, that’s true.

But I don’t think a lot of askers there really have done their homework. Many of them can barely even describe their problem! WTF is “Brain Fog,” anyway? (When does it happen? What activities are affected? What have you tried? What makes it worse? etc. I wish some of these people knew that a different schedule or plan or mode of thought could make a huge difference, potentially even more than the nootropics themselves.)

Well, what can I do. I hope to contribute more my own experiences over time. Probably more here than there.

And I know some of you readers are really polishing up your stack. And spending $$$ to do so. I’ve seen the photos and I did the math. Your cable bill is starting to get jealous!

My own experiments continue apace, but I have so many darn interests that the pace is slower than I’d like. It’s a generally wallet-friendly pace though, and I like that part very much.

I am also really new to AskDrugNerds but it seems pretty neat.

(Chemistry. Sigh. Will there ever be enough time to experience and learn and enjoy all this stuff?)

Filed in: Therapeutic Practice /144/ | Sensation /40/

I fixed a ham radio this weekend. It’s been sitting on my desk for about 2 years now, needing repair.

I’ve never done this before, and the older I get, the more I realize that means something, no matter how easy my intuition says it will be.

30 Seconds on Youtube

I knew the problem was a common one, so it took me about 30 seconds to find a Youtube video showing how the fix could be done.

20 Seconds Fixing the Thing

Once I had the radio open, it took me about 20 seconds to do the soldering work that fixed the problem.

2 Hours Completing Various Annoying Sensory Tasks

In total, it took me almost 2 hours to get the radio open, fixed, and closed up again. TWO HOURS. I would number everything that happened, but the list would be really long.

But to give one example: I had to re-fit the main board TEN TIMES before getting it just right, so that all the buttons on the radio would work again.

GrrrraaaagghhhghhghghhghhghhhHHHHHHH!!!!

…And the result is a radio that works great.

Hooray!

Applying the Pain Forward

Finally: I’m maybe a bit more prepared for this next time, because my notes tell me:

• Get ready for this to take literal hours longer than you thought it would
• That’s OK though, it’ll feel good to fix it
• Put on a movie you REALLY like (I chose The Quiet Earth)
• Get a drink you enjoy
• Talk your way through the process. Talk out loud.
• Take little breaks to regroup.
• SHOVE A MOTHERF*CKING FLATHEAD SCREWDRIVER IN THERE JUST TO THE LEFT OF THE G*DDAMN MAIN BOARD OR YOU’LL NEVER GET IT OUT, NO MATTER WHAT THE YOUTUBE VIDEO SHOWS.

Anyway, like I said: Hooray!

Filed in: Interests /111/ | Sensation /40/ | Se /25/ | Thinking /70/ | Si /19/ | Ti /30/ | Ni /42/ | Te /36/

You know, I have really come to love a good idea. And while I’m not exactly Japanese master inventor Yoshiro Nakamatsu, I get some of my best ideas in the shower. (I think I’d agree with his oxygen-deprivation theory, and have noticed that even in the shower my breathing pattern changes somewhat, so I wonder if this is related)

I know I said it’s ONE trick. But sometimes that ONE trick is really more like a bunch of steps, with huge life changes thrown in here and there! And with that, off we go:

Preparation the Night Before

This all starts the night before I take a shower.

I don’t stay up late anymore. This is mostly because in general, I find that my rested morning thoughts are absolute gold, compared to tired nighttime thoughts. Not only am I more resilient when I’m rested, but I just have more mental capacity and energy in general.

You could give me really bad news in the evening and it might absolutely crush me. You can give me the same news in the morning, and I might play with it like a toy. The rest makes that much of a difference!

So, late nights generally seem like a waste of time (unless I’m with people I love), though they may have some emotional energy recuperation benefit if the subject is cooperative. :-)

Morning Preparation (10-15 minutes)

If you’re familiar with Whole Productivity, as some of you are (thank you for your purchases—your support means a lot to me), you know that emotional debts need to be paid off, or else you’ll get the repo-man effect.

This is definitely true for me after a Sunday night’s sleep. There’s all of that “oh sh** Monday is here” emotion, tied up with any nightmare or stress-dream contents that may linger.

For that reason, I typically plan to lay in bed for at least 10-15 minutes before hitting the shower. During this time I open Google Keep, record some general impressions along those lines, including dream contents. I don’t want a poor emotional state to weigh down my creativity state.

Then I make a quick list of everything “boxy” that’s on my mind. The productivity stuff. Squares. I try to arrange it all in a sort of pseudo-schedule.

(By the way, at this point I’ve unbalanced my day in favor of Square (T) items, for those who have read about Task BATL. This is a huge risk—it’s a clear and present threat to my energy levels and day outcome—but at least I’m aware of it.)

Getting Prepped to Solve Problems

I wrote about caffeine before, and how much it helps with extraverted intuition—that is, the generation of ideas. So I take some of that before I get in the shower.

Depending on the quality of sleep, I also take some turmeric, or maybe ibuprofen if I woke up with a headache, which can absolutely happen if I woke up in the middle of a sleep cycle. Caffeine can’t solve every problem.

In the Shower

I like to put on some upbeat music while I’m in the shower. Yes, that does mean I listen to tunes like Smash Mouth’s Then the Morning Comes. Or if it’s a really hard day, maybe something like That’s Life by Sinatra.

Or if it’s a podcast, something light helps. Something pleasant, something I can mostly ignore.

In this mode I’m ready to think about anything. And ideas just come to mind—no forcing is required.

As new ideas come to mind, I use a memory palace method to remember them. But that’s only if I don’t have time to explore the ideas in my mind, in depth. Many of the ideas have a visual component (even if a simple chart or graph) so they’re easy to remember in that way.

After the Shower

At this point it’s easy to get derailed. A really good idea may seem to want attention NOW. But that can also totally backfire if there are lingering emotional contents, or other items that need to be addressed.

So it’s generally a good idea to get back on the schedule.

Overall, the best activity I know about after showering is walking through my journaling template. Keeping in mind what I wrote above about having a very unbalanced list—that’s very important stuff! It’s time to find balance, enjoyment, etc. and actively plan for it.

Nay, In the past, I did not love good ideas

This is all relatively new to me.

In the past I was generally more grumpy about “good ideas”, especially the really grandiose & positive ideas. I preferred my own subjective perceptions of what will happen as opposed to what could happen. And, unfortunately, a lot of those perceptions were pretty dark. This led me to a stance that was much more like, “sit back and watch negative events unfold”. It did not really reward a more creative, proactive approach to life.

I was also kind of in love with my ability to observe everything, self included, from the outside. Meta-cognition. Meta-perception. “Meta-perspectivizing,” as Dario Nardi calls it. I don’t really value that as an ongoing activity as much anymore, still finding it very helpful, but typically in small doses here and there.

So, my perceptive values have reversed quite a bit in recent years, an intentional process involving some flexibility with different modes of thought.

And you know, I think I consider this last item mindset essential for the best shower-ideas experience. You have to be open and optimistic, in a real problem-solver’s skin. Too much meta-commentary will kill this dead.

Filed in: Energy /120/ | Planning /17/ | Ni /42/ | Openness /49/ | Ne /17/ | Memorization /5/ | Intuition /62/

Some Common INTJ Perceptions:

• I need a set-and-forget diet
• I need a set-and-forget investment plan
• I need a set-and forget daily schedule
• I need a set-and-forget spouse or partner

Some Common Outcomes of the Above:

• My diet worked amazingly well…until it didn’t
• I became an investor! Also…I didn’t exactly get the investment / financial returns I hoped for
• People tell me I’m super productive! Still, I procrastinate too much instead of sticking to my planned schedule
• I found an awesome partner! Also, my partner got sick of how lame & boring life was, every day. Despite my best efforts to keep this system in a set-and-forget state, things became un-set, and I was asked to “remember” and even change…

Solutions:

• I will plan to review, meddle, and mix things up so I can keep learning and growing
• I will be brutally honest with myself as problems crop up, rather than avoiding the problems I didn’t see coming
• I will vent, complain, or scream (into a pillow, ideally) when I don’t get the results I want
• I will scream a little bit, early and often, rather than building up into a nuclear explosion
• Eventually my set-and-forget will be more like set-learn-engage-change-integrate-remember
• My sense for systems design will become more nuanced, responsive, and even colorful
• Life is now a grand experiment, and I enjoy it more

Filed in: Control /110/ | Productivity /119/ | Energy /120/