Fictional Batman is just close enough to a real-life human that he can absolutely trigger people. Mostly for good, like “oh wow, I think I could stand a chance at being Batman,” but in the case of people who don’t like superheroes, also for bad.

Definite Non-blog-reader Alex writes,

Not big into the superhero thing, actually. I can’t really lose myself in the fiction, it’s mostly pure cringe for me. Pause for a moment and think of a vigilante in a bat suit. In REAL LIFE.

At best we’d get: link

OK, Alex is a good guy but I have to look into this. We look into things in this house.

Because I’m super good at Batman-style digital forensics, I was able to “hack” into Alex’s image URL and discover the original article.

(I also discovered a way to “hack” (not really!) that URL to produce a comically bad JPG thumbnail using tiny quantities of free server time, but this is child’s play and I have seen much more impressive hacks in my time as a vigilante superhero, like the time I accidentally hacked my own API and produced a novel variety of radioactive emoji.)

Now, to the story-mobile:

“I’ve caught this one for you,” the caped crusader told officers after marching the 27-year-old suspect into Trafalgar House Police Station in the early hours of Monday 25 February – before disappearing back into the night.

“The person who brought the man in was dressed in a full Batman outfit,” said a police spokesperson. “His identity remains unknown.”

Uh, what?

OK Alex, first REAL LIFE detail to share here: Maybe let’s not overlook the fact that he did it. WTF? He actually did it! LOL. The guy delivered a criminal to justice.

Literally all this guy needs to work on now is his costuming and secret identity:

And while police remain mystified as to the identity of the masked man, a local fancy dress shop owner believes she knows who he is.

She added that she knew the customer’s name from his credit card receipt but vowed to keep his true identity a secret.

Seriously, if this is a bad example of Batman in real life, I have to say it’s barely bad. As in, the costume doesn’t fit well. We don’t even know if he guessed that the shop owner would protect his identity! Maybe this was part of the plan!

So…he did it! That’s the story here. I’m shocked and very pleased, as a Batman fan myself.

This is why I always like to look into things. It’s simply too easy to ignore the possibility that some day, society’s gears will mesh just in such a way that real Bat-superheroes are produced.

Hahahaha. I love it!

It’s hilarious that among other things, we probably need to start developing this concept of levels of real-life Batman, because it’s happening:

1. Wearing a bad costume, bringing no one to justice
2. Wearing a good costume, bringing no one to justice
3. Wearing a bad costume, bringing one or more mooks to justice
4. Wearing a good costume, bringing one or more mooks to justice
5. Wearing a good costume, bringing one or more major criminals to justice
6. Wearing a good costume and driving a f*cking amazing vehicle, bringing one or more major criminals to justice

So, a LEVEL THREE BATMAN has happened. PLEASE someone send me a link to a level 4.

I’m going to stop there because my hands are shaking in anticipation. Can you imagine if we broke into the seventh level? Hahahaha! This is hilarious, but in a way that also points at transcendence. Seriously, hilariously amazing.

I need to stop now and try to recall exactly what I ate that is making this all so entertaining, but I believe we accomplished something good here today.

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