I had this blogging-related dream last night. In the dream, it had been a while since I wrote anything on the blog. Life was going pretty well, and then one of you guys sent me a wad of anonymous e-cash, asking for a new post.

First, this made me laugh (after I woke up) because it plays to my preference to see my own little blog as God’s Chosen Land, or whatever. Because I’m so right, and good, about everything! Yuck. But it happens.

I also admit that I get excited by the thought of a favorite project like this blog bringing about a good outcome, and that excitement can also give way to massively disproportionate perceptions at times, as well as some rather distant, temporally-shifted concerns like, “the current title of my blog won’t accommodate 50 million readers who don’t know what an INTJ is, but who still like reading the blog for whatever reason.”

Second, the dream made me a bit uncomfortable because of the ol’ I’m not doing it for money dichotomy. A dichotomy which runs from “simple, uncomplicated economic transaction” on one end to “I believe in this so much I’d do it for free” on the other. So, what if I stopped believing in what I’m writing and doing here? Would I be able to sustain this effort, just for money? Or worse, what if the economics involved seemed to reward some kind of perverse pattern, like “writing staff go on strike until anonymous e-cash is received?”

This dichotomy, left unexplored, can cause a lot of trouble for us INTJs. To have a basic, qualitative sense of values is to have a sense of why things should be done at a given level of quality and effort. And a thought like that can turn out like this:

• Things should always be done this way. It’s just better.
• Every one of my efforts should incorporate this values system. It’s me. It’s who I am and what I offer.
• Why is writing so difficult all of a sudden?
• It’s been years since I last wrote anything.
• (Cue the rediscovery of values-nuance, or whatever brings things back again)

And that sucks. It happens sometimes, but it sucks. In past articles, I have tried to point out various methods that have helped pull me through that kind of a cycle when it arises. Just thinking about and reflecting on that process being a seemingly powerful one.

Third, the dream brought to mind something that’s rather new on my own psychological horizons. It’s this concept of learning to be OK about treasuring and conserving a thing 1) for treasuring’s sake, and 2) for who it is. I really care about my readership. I like what I’ve been able to do here. And it smarts a bit to reflect on the fact that past-me could have easily left all of this behind, when it came down to it! The same is true with relationships. They were more disposable than I’d like to admit. Moving forward, I want to choose reconciliation where possible.

I’m more of nothing than I ever was before, and this has helped me see how reconciliation is more possible than it was before. It’s hard to reconcile with any given externality, when your current form seems to fill so much of the picture of your life.

Still, maybe I’m not nothing enough at times, and I hope to be more nothing in different ways, in the future. (This is less of a values-comment like “I hate myself,” and more of a perspectives comment—I’m looking outward more, and seeing the under-appreciated value in outward stuff. In that way, you could perhaps relate it to Jung’s concept of extraversion.)

So, part of this dream was me processing something like: Yes, it’s my blog, I currently enjoy it, I think you guys are great, and also it would somehow be a tragedy to leave it all and move on, at some point—so let’s not do that, if possible. In fact, let’s bring it all forward. I like thinking along these lines. I like blogs that have been around for a long time. I want to provide that kind of stability and I think I am learning more about how that works.

And finally, the dream made me feel good in a different sense: It’s been my experience that you don’t have nuanced dreams like that—part compliment, part concern—when things are going badly. At least, I don’t.

Which leads me to my last item:

Thank you, all of you—my readers, skimmers, life-improvers, thought-challengers, or whatever you are. Thank you for reading, for sending your comments my way. Thank you for putting up with my periodic regressions to that grumpy INTJ, or that devil’s-advocate blogger, or any of the various possible outcomes I attempt to wade through and reconcile with each new blog post.

As we move forward I am excited to see what the future brings, and I really mean that. We have a lot of models to flesh out, people to discuss, ideas to play with and examine, and Youtube is recommending really cool new music with every passing day. For me this is a really nice place to be, psychologically speaking. :-)

Filed in: Essays /52/ | Control /110/ | Relationships /78/ | Goals /52/ | Openness /49/ | Therapeutic Practice /144/ | Feeling /64/