I have a note in my calendar that yesterday was the six-year anniversary of this blog’s auspicious birth.

Man, it has been a ride. Not in a “get your motor runnin’, we’re gonna turn heads” way of course, but certainly in a “wow, such embark upon a deep and satisfying inner journey with lots of unanticipated and fun layovers” sort of way.

(I’m thinking of renaming the blog again, so let me also just put this out there while it’s on my mind: All of the names I have so far are TERRIBLE. Seriously. Just needed to vent for a second.)

Things I never thought would happen:

• I lost a shit-ton more weight than I thought I would. I gained some of it back, got depressed, then I lost some more, and it turned into this sub-journey, and I learned a lot in the process.
• I overcame chronic anxiety and depression almost from the moment I started the blog. First it was the chronic part that was overcome, and then it was the “happens at all” part that was overcome. Did I foresee this? Nope.
• The blog made me a lot better at a lot of stuff that I never anticipated. Writing? Maybe. But I also credit the blog for helping me become more open, naked, and…unafraid.
  • God, what a dumb thing to say. I’m still afraid, THAT’s for damn sure. Terrified even. But more terrified about new, fun, and different stuff, and less terrified about the old stuff that haunted me for years.
• I found a LOT of new stuff that I really dislike about myself. Whee…!
• I found a LOT of new stuff that I really dislike about others. Which I’m told is the same thing as disliking myself in some ways, but also, I swear to you, so help me god, it’s not the same, and your stuff is yours to own and overcome, TYVM.
• I get mad at cognitive functions some days. Like today I was on this long hike in a beautiful redwood forest, meanwhile I’m all, “Fi. The f**cking GASLIGHTING FUNCTION. The function of GETTING NOTHING DONE AT ALL because ALL PERSPECTIVES ON THE MATTER ARE EQUALLY WHATEVER.”
  • And yesterday I was like, “Ni. The function of being wrongheaded for I MUST IDLY FORECAST IN A GRUMPY WAY ABOUT STUFF reasons.” It’s just ridiculous, part of the journey sure but it’s ridiculous.
• The good stuff cancels that all out. Like, I think my worst fears about blogging were pretty much true, worthy fears, AND also workaround-able. And people are awesome. My readers are friggin’ great. Just a hell of a crowd.
• I made a lot of new friends! That has been fun.
• I owe so many people reply emails. OH GOD THE PAIN. From what I’ve been told, I’m supposed to ignore this problem, and just accept that I’m busy and can only do so much. But that’s so f*cking hard man. I get so many amazing, well-thought-out emails from folks like you, and I feel like I can’t do ‘em justice, and that’s frustrating.
• My entire belief system changed. I realized there was a huge abuse of trust going on, in my previous belief system. As a result, I basically did a 180 on a lot of personal and spiritual beliefs.
  • I don’t even really believe in belief anymore. And I think that’s kind of an advantage.
  • I even started studying astrocartography, evolutionary astrology, and the Satanic Bible as if I may have something new to learn? Hahaha my old self would be so upset at this.
• I admitted in a public place that I’m dubm
• dumb
• You know that introverted thing where you don’t tell people about your stuff because they could use it against you? Or they might get all interested and talk about it and it won’t be cool to you anymore? I think I “violated” that principle like a million times over, in this sacred, holy space of self-offering.
• Lots of other things I can’t remember.

Eh. Well, that’s a nice long sloppy list for now.

But man, this blog has pushed me into that zone I didn’t know about—the zone where you escape the dragon and its hoard(ing) and you have to leave your hoard of old systems behind and go, “OK I have no idea about this world. Teach me and I’ll take notes.” It’s pushed me into that zone and I’m grateful for it.

Hey, here are some tunes for you guys. Thanks to all of you for bearing with me all these years, and for your kind notes, and tips, and all that good stuff.

Filed in: Randomness /26/ | Careers /40/